#Depression

Ever feel like doing nothing? But then doing nothing doesn’t even sound good? Past couple of weeks, I have not wanted to do anything, but at the same time I want to do something. Sitting around doing nothing sucks, but I have no energy or just not interested in doing anything else. Nothing I usually like to do sounds like fun any more and new things only seem sort of interesting but not at the same time.

All of my writing has stopped, due to like of ideas. Post ideas for the blog are plentiful, but when it comes to actually writing them down, I just don’t feel like doing it. I have many TV shows I need to catch up on but don’t find them interesting enough at the moment to do so. Which is insane considering I love Doctor Who (whole season behind), just pushed through 5 seasons of The Walking Dead (that was a struggle on some days), and some shows I’m only an episode or two behind. I keep adding to my “Want to Watch” list on Netflix, but never actually watching them.

For absolutely no reason at all, I want to cry. I will just be sitting and staring off into space, then start crying. I was watching Twister yesterday and started crying. If I try and tell my family about it I start crying. I see a picture of a cute puppy and I cry. As I don’t like crying, even in private, I only cry a few tears and then make myself stop.

I have thought about suicide, but know I would never go through with it. I think I am too chicken. While I know that everyone around me would be better off with me gone, I also know that it would hurt them. Or I like to think that it would upset them. One may think that suicide solves problems, and in a way it does, but it also creates a whole slew of new ones that cancel out those solved.

Everything bad that happens, is my fault. Whether I was directly invovled or not. I don’t just admit that it is my fault to try and stop the arguing or whatever, but I have sound reasons as to why it is my fault. For example, my mom never finished college because I was born. Yes, being conceived was not my fault but had I died at birth or she had given me up for adoption she could have finished her paralegal degree. My dad’s last marriage, would have lasted longer. My ex-stepmom actually told my dad that he had to do something me going back and forth between them and my mom or else she was leaving. She left and now he is married to another woman who doesn’t exactly get along with me. This time he chose her over me, but we still talk.

I’m even depressed about my weight. Recently I’ve been dropping weight, which would usually be awesome but not for me. I have been borderline diabetic my whole life. Rapid weight loss or unexplained weight loss is a sign of diabetes. I also have the extreme thirst, there are days where I CAN NOT get enough to drink. I will go through three gallons of water before feeling sated. Then there is also the tingling in the fingers and toes. My health sucks and depresses me, even if I am the lowest I ever remember being.

It’s stupid for me to be depressed because my life isn’t that bad. I have food, a roof over my head and clothes. There are people that love me around. Yes, it could be better but it could also be much worse. So why am I depressed?