Boy-friend

I sent my cousin off to Alaska the other day and felt a bit nostalgic about high school. It’s foolish of me to do so, because high school is but a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of life, but still it was a happy time. Now it is marred by a black spot of stupidity. A couple actually, but those are small compared to my ex.
After saying that, it may seem that I am still hung up on the man but honestly I don’t miss the romantic relationship but the friendship we had before and a tiny bit during that the romantic relationship destroyed. I don’t think it is accurate to say that is what destroyed it but the romantic relationship did start the deterioration of friendship.
We met in fifth grade when I moved into town and I was petulant not wanting to make friends. Then we bonded over music. We were in band together for a year, when he left the trombone behind and decided to focus on his singing. He and I were in choir for eight years as an alto and bass. Somewhere along the way we went from acquaintances to friends. It is odd…I don’t remember how or when but we had come to a point where we wanted to try being more than friends. Tried many times, but it never quite worked. He wanted more than I was ready to give, so we would break off and just be friends for a short time before we wanted to try dating again. For some reason we couldn’t stay away from each other. It was like there was an invisible tether pulling us together. After high school, I moved to Alaska and we seemed to move on. Then I got sick and we started talking again for a time, where things heated up again.
This time we let things grow wild and the friendship we once shared withered and died to allow the romantic relationship to flourish. As our story seems doomed, it was very short-lived, as indiscretions and lies began flowing from him.  I was an idiot who went along with whatever he wanted, and paid dearly for it. I allowed my heart to be broken because I believe I’m not worthy of true love and perhaps he was my true love.
I mean who could ignore the fact that for years we kept being brought back together, no matter the circumstances? Could someone who believes in past lives and partially remembers one such that involves him, ignore the thought that the two of us had been together in at least one past life? Then again many of his lying webs were weaved in my naivete centered around my beliefs that silver-tongued devil played like a harp.
I know a large part of my lost friend is mine but so much more is on him. My point is I have since moved to Hawaii and become a recluse. Estranged from other dear friends, yet only one strikes as deep as the loss of my best friend. She and I still speak occasionally but we were never as close as my ex and I. There are things that I could never tell her, but him I told practically everything. It is hard not having a friend to talk to and when I wish to speak to him I remember all the pain he put me through and stop. Sometimes that doesn’t work to stop my wishes, and I remember our deep friendship, in those times I think of how he has moved on and doesn’t need me mucking up his life.

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Courtney M. Wendleton

I'm an author with an associate's in psychology. Interested in a lot of different things, and love controversy. The more controversial the better, but that's not all I'm interested in. Can be a bit confusing at times, but that's normal!

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